Scary Future

I am a junior now and I am worried. Worried about a lot of things. Things that make my stomach curl at the thought and make me breathe more shallow. I know I shouldn’t worry and that I should tell myself…oh things will come into play, but I keep thinking what if?

I always felt being prepared will avoid accidents. So I have always prepared myself. But  now, I feel like I am falling behind. Everyone majoring in journalism seem to be already involved or have been already involved in an internship. Me? Nada. Zip. I tried this past semester for a hot second at the university newspaper but I ended up losing my mind being overloaded with work, and so I saw my grades slowly falling.  With little time and much demands from my classes and the responsibility the job carried, I couldnt hack the pressure. I wasn’t happy.I was always filled with anxiety causing me to stay up late and not be able to fall asleep. I was constantly upset and crabby and so after an emotional breakdown, I felt my sanity was worth keeping so I left my internship to concentrate on my work at school while my classmates continued plugging away with the same classes and an internship at the same time. I always felt that once I get a job I could explain that I like to keep my focus….but now, it feels that once I graduate, I am on the bottom of the food chain as a candidate. I ended up with mostly As but…does that mean anything?

I want to write for a magazine or be involved in book publishing. I was thinking about changing my major from journalism to english but my adviser told me I could still do what I want to do with my major so I decided to not run more into debt and keep plugging away. I am not very interested in being journalist after taking an awful class this year that has left me discouraged and not excited about the future of journalism. I thought I wanted to be  a journalist but I don’t like the aspect of chasing people down to save my ass from being fired. I don’t like if by the end of the day, my source hasn’t contacted me, I am left to blame. I don’t know what I was expecting out of this career but I feel unhappy. Maybe there’s a different side to this field I haven’t seen yet? I would like to know what that is because so far, I feel it is soo not for me! But if an opportunity arises to be a reporter and I get the job? I will do the best I can with a positive attitude.

I know once I graduate, finding an entry level dream job  will not fall into my lap. It might take a year or two before I get to sink my teeth at the foot of my dream job. But I am willing to work hard to reach my goals. I just hope the opportunity is out there for me! I just have to listen to my boyfriend and mother and keep looking for opportunities.  I hope that I can snag a spot with the school magazine somehow and get experience from that. We will see?

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